Positive Discipline: Natural Consequences

Over the past few months John and I have decided to try to take a more positive approach to discipline. It started with a Positive Discipline class we went to offered by our pediatric group. Actually, to be totally honest, it started with us feeling discouraged and desperate. Our home was not feeling like the haven of peace that we wanted it to be, most of our interactions with our children were negative and lots involved screaming then crying in frustration, and instead of the bad behaviors(tantrums, fighting, disobedience) improving with time they were getting worse. Does this sound familiar to any of you? Well, John and I knew something had to change but we weren't sure what. Our first bit of direction came from the class I mentioned. I thought I'd pass along some of the things we learned, are learning, tried, are trying, and most importantly are working. Have you ever found yourself staring at your child after they ________ ( pooped on the rug, tracked mud all over the house, painted their brother with Desitin...take your pick or add your own, I'm sure you've got a list too) and wracking your brain for A) the right words and B) the right course of discipline, punishment, or consequences? Well, it's an everyday event at our house and frankly most of the time I feel like an idiot because I don't know what to do. The solution for me has been implementing natural consequences. Here are four guidelines for implementing natural consequences.

1. Think about what would happen to you. Sometimes I'm not sure what the natural consequence for a choice might be so I try to think about what would happen to me if I did that as an adult. For example tonight 10 minutes after putting Zander and Asher to bed Zander started knocking on his bedroom door. This is the signal for I-need-to-go-to-the-bathroom-or-get-a- drink-or-stall- as-long-as-possible. Turns out he was totally dying from thirst because his last drink of water 10 minutes ago was too small. So I let him get a drink then said good-night again and went to shut the door when Zander put on THE LOOK. This look is one of pure determination, a mental digging in his heels and never backing down. When he gets this look he gives a whole new meaning to the word stubborn. He grabbed the door and announced that he DID NOT WANT TO GO TO BED. I reminded him of our bedtime policies: you don't have to go to sleep, you can read books, but you have to stay in your bed. Then I closed the door. He immediately started banging on the door as hard as he could. I wanted to cry because I wasn't sure what to do and I was worried about our renters upstairs hearing all the racket(we live in a basement apartment). Then I thought about what would happen to me if I banged on the door like that. I told Zander that if he continued to bang on the door then he could talk to the renter's when they called to find out what all the noise was about. Then he would get to walk upstairs, ring their doorbell, and apologize for disturbing the peace. I was answered by blessed silence except for the pitter-patter of little feet back to bed.
2. Don't add extra consequences. When you let your little one suffer the natural consequences I would not recommend rubbing salt in the wound. Sometimes it might not seem like the natural consequences are enough, but they almost always are. This doesn't mean that your child will never make the same mistake again, but the reason why it's important not to add more is because...
3. you can be sympathetic. You can say things like "I know this isn't fun to clean up the poop on the carpet," or ," I know it's sometimes hard to apologize to your sister for biting her." Let them know you understand their pain and chances are they'll be more willing to accept the consequences and try to not make the same mistake again.
4. Don't lecture. Kids have short attentions spans and lose interest after even a few seconds of a lecture on the 20 Most Important Reasons Why We Don't Bite People. I find that the natural consequence often speaks for itself and is more often remembered in the future. This one is hard for me because I just want to make sure they understand things and I usually beat. the. poor. subject. to. death. Let's just say a natural consequence is worth a thousand words and call it good.
   

For example, this afternoon as we were getting ready to leave the house for a trip to Costco Zander put on his shoes then decided he needed to go to the bathroom. Result: a trail of dried mud crumbs Hansel and Gretel would have been proud of. The old Trachelle would have probably screamed a long lecture about how hard I worked cleaning the floor while I got out the broom and swept up the mess. Maybe I would have thrown in a little timeout for good measure. Instead I calmly told Zander that before we left for Costco he needed to get the broom (I bought a little hand broom and dust pan set for exactly these situations) and sweep up the mud trail. He started to throw a little tantrum about how he didn't want to and then that's when I threw in my secret weapon: sympathy. "I know, it's not very fun to clean up messes is it, Zander? It's probably one of my least favorite things to do too. But if your going to wear your shoes in the house than you'll need to clean up the mess it makes, " I said kindly. Zander immediately turned off the tantrum, marched into the kitchen to get the broom, and swept up his mess. I didn't say anything else except thank-you for cleaning it up and didn't add any extra consequences. Order and peace were restored and we left for Costco. Sometimes I forget to have self-control, anger rules me, and bad habits rear their ugly heads, but I'm trying and it gets easier every time. It's hopeful and that's all I'm looking for. Hope that I can be a better mom. A better person.